Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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