Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
