be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
