I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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