If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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