He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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