**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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