You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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