woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
