got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
