I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
