Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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