i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
