the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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