awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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