im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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