Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
