Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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