I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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