1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
