you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize