Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
