May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
