So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize