If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
