I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
