My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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