Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
