Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
