i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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