I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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