My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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