how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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