Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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