My sheets look like a crime scene.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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