I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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