I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
