Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
