I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
