I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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