i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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