mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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