counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
