Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
