yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
