I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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