I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
