he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
