mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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