The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
