I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize