How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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