The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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