I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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