either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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