I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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