the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
