tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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