i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize